I realize, everyday, that I have more and more faults than I thought I had the day before. 

Everyday I am whitness to Satan's presence within my world of realization.

Realizing, everyday, that without God my faults would be my own worthy of Satan alone.

I forget God in His grace

But this gracious God does not forget me.

And everyday of my eternal life, God reminds me that my faults would be my own if not for Him.

In that I know I have love, in that I know I have being, and in that I know I have my salvation.

I have been here three weeks now.  I pray at least three times a day (meals).  I look for God's influence in everything I sense and in my three weeks here I've associated Him with whether or not I've been having a good day.  I've been asking him to improve the relationships between me and the friends that I cling to without knowing why, I've said God bless this food so that it will give me the strength and the courage I need to follow Your ways, to know Your will, Your path, and while I spoke those words a sin that I had done just minutes before flashed into my mind and I knew that my prayer was empty.  I try everyday to appear as this good man, as this Christian that the world could love, but I know the truth, that in Chapel I'm more concerned with who and what is going on around me than I am about the service, about making a connection with God.  I see myself as so superficial that the only thing most people get from me is a hug, a how are you, and maybe some fake and trivial comment that I forget about moments later.  That doesn't build relationship, that doesn't build fellowship I don't even know what those things are.  I can't carry on a small group for one hour because I don't know relationship.  You either get the hug from me or you get silence because one step after the hug is a place that I don't know, it's a place that I'm afraid to go.  Even today, even with my close friends I'm afraid to be who I am, to let my guard down because then I become dependent on them, I feel like I need them for some reason.  It's like letting someone know me is actually me giving myself away to them and then being forced to cling to them forever. 

I don't know what happened to me, I used to do so much for myself, I used to follow my own path, to choose to do the things that filled my day with real unadulterated laughter, and now I find myself doing things, going places, being with people that create nothing but stress, fear, and unhappiness in my life, and it's this fear, this fear of going back to myself and being alone that I can't stand, and yet it's also this fear that makes me a superficial husk in any form of relationship.  I'm to scared to know who I am anymore, I'm to scared to let go, to fall back, because I don't remember what's back there.

Life for me is Hell right now. I've lost sight of God's grace, I've lost sight of God, and Satan has me so wrapped up in this husk of fear that I'm unwilling to change it and at the same time I'm tired of it.  I want to be who I am, I want to really smile, like I used to, I want to really care, like I used to, but I don't know how.  I don't know if I've ever even had a real connection with God, or if He's looking down at me with tears in His eyes because I profess to know Him with my mouth and yet he sleeps in my heart.

I realize, everyday, that I am not the man I want to be and everyday I sleep as the man I am.

okay, so here's a real recap post, probably my first official one (note: i do not believe in using xanga as a recap journal thing, which is probably why I don't really post but anyways). 

So I've been working this entire summer at a factory called Jeld Wen (they make windows) and this Friday I will finally be able to end my 3-11pm experience for good.  This is a "praise the Lord" situation! 

The reason for being a slave to the industrialized world: to save enough money to go back to school and buy school books.  Savings thus far= a little over a $1,000 dollars.  The amazing surprise that I found out about a week ago:  somehow I only owe $900 for the whole year (that's without my real dad's $2,000, which means that I owe nothing and that I will be over by over a $1,000.  I almost died when Student Accounts told me this, the money that I didn't think I'd ever get to see is now all mine.  Awesome! 

I move in a week early since I'm a small group leader, and I'm almost locked in as a writer for the Naz alumni magazine.  This is all just crazy!  God's amazing!  I can't wait to get back to the Naz.  This year's really going to be different though, hopefully for the better.  The freshman class is supposed to be the largest in school history which is spectacular.  One of my really good friends just got married (I was a groomsmen) so he wont be back.  One of my other friends is getting married so I have no idea if he'll be back.  I'll have a roommate this year (last year I had a room all to myself) so that'll be an adjustment (hopefully not a big one).  It's all just change and change has always been a bit of a challenge for me to cope with.    I'm really looking forward to seeing all of you guys again though, can't wait to hear summer stories and make winter ones. 

So, one of my good friends is going to Japan for two years and I didn't get to see her or tell her goodbye and that sucks.  Oh and I've been lifting and running and doing all of this torturous exercising on top of working and if I'm not mistaken the only thing it's done for me is take years off my life expectency (pity). 

Well, I think this is enough of the recap adventure.  It's long and boring and not nearly enough of anything worth mentioning, but it's all you're going to get unless you care to ask for more. 

I'll see many of you again soon, and for the rest of you, I hope you all have fun with whatever you're doing. 

Currently Reading William Wordsworth: The Major Works (Oxford World's Classics) By William Wordsworth see related

My favorite poem for now: 

She dwelt among the untrodden ways

Beside the springs of Dove,

A Maid whom there were none to praise

 and very few to love:

A violet by a mossy stone

half hidden from the eye!

-Fair as a star, when only one

Is shining in the sky.

She lived unkown, and few could know

When Lucy ceased to be;

But she is in her grave, and, oh,

The difference to me!

and that's my update for now.

I am calling this one Snow Angel (not one of my best, and kinda korny but I think it's worthy, and it didn't seem to want to stop bothering my mind so I figured I'd type it out of me, lol)

In silence does the light come trickling.

When silver sliver leaks into winter

And striking first the window pane

Came searching, seeking sweet deliver.

Abandoned Angel with child's halo

Resting shivers on the window's sill.

Asking God to forgive the winter

And meeting Him on crested hill.

Dropping halo and to his knees,

The Angel cries my Father please.

From soft He answers, and beckons me

Pick up the halo and set him free.

Oh chilld of God this Christmas Eve

Salvation comes on Angel's wings

And here the halo to you I bring.

Christmas is here, behold you're free.